So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
