I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
