Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
