Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
