I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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