So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
