so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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