Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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