I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
