She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Brb crying the tears of my youth
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
