i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
