I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
