Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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