Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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