Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
