Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
