Pregnant stripper...not hot.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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