The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
