Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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