When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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