So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
