I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
