I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
