im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
no. you can't hotbox the world.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
