I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
