So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I wish they made helmets for livers.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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