I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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