I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
