he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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