We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
