My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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