Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
My life is pants optional.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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