dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Randomize
