I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
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She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
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I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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