I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
