OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
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Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
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So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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