i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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