I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
