I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
