I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
