I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
