the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
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the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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