He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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