I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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