My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I love having hate sex.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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