my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
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After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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