Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
