The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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