saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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