oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
