Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
