I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
