I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
