; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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