my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
