I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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