when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
