I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
