I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
