I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Randomize
