My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
