mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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