I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
